Life before kids

It’s hard to imagine my life before babies. I never wanted to have kids. I always said no when someone asked. I wanted to be a police officer and didn’t want to have children worry about me going to work. Or them growing up without a mom if something were to happen. Then Nick came along🤣

I’ve played softball for as long I can remember. I played on town teams and then school teams which led me to play for a travel team and tournament team. I played year round when I was in high school. I was all conference. I lived for it. I skipped going to an all inclusive vacation in Cancun with my family because I had a tournament I refused to miss. I was a team player and didn’t want to let anyone down. I had a pitching coach my dad brought me to and I constantly was in the backyard practicing. These were the best years of my life. Anything that was going on, school, family, friends, it could be solved by playing. My only goal in life was to play in college.

2006 – tournament champions
19-0 overall

I went to an all girl college my sophomore-senior year. I took classes online during winter and summer break so I could graduate a semester early. I worked three jobs to pay my way through school. Unfortunately my work schedule did not allow for me to play softball. However, I was asked by the soccer coach to play because I was fast. I had never played before besides maybe gym class, if that even counts. I said yes without knowing anything about soccer. There is soooo much running and no breaks😑I explained my work schedule and the coach was fine with me missing practicing/games when I needed to. I had no life outside schoolwork, soccer and work. I barely hung out with friends and didn’t date. Nick and I talked the other night about partying in college and he didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t. I texted my Bestfriend/roommate to confirm that we never partied. I think we snuck a margarita one night in our room and that was it.

I also joined indoor track for one season to stay in shape during the winter. I volunteered my senior year at Fidelco and trained a German Shepard, Flex, to be a seeing eye dog for the blind. He came to class and work me. He went anywhere I went. These years flew by. I was so busy but to my surprise I had a lot of fun and learned a lot. Looking back I wouldn’t have changed anything other than trying harder to play softball. Because I had three jobs my student loans are already paid off! I graduated early with a major in criminal justice and minor in psychology.

After college I worked as an assistant manager at a retail store and then became a security guard. While working security I applied to almost every police department in Connecticut. I took written tests, physical fitness tests, polygraphs, oral boards; one after another. I had call backs and then nothing. I decided to apply for the Brattleboro Police Department in Vermont. It was only about an hour from home. I went through their entire process and was eventually offered the position. A couple days after I accepted the offer, Connecticut State Police called and I had to decline because I was already in a contract with Brattleboro. I would have made almost triple the money and a take home cruiser if I waited a few days and accepted CSP. Lucky for Nick that didn’t happen 😏

Two days before I was supposed to go to the police academy, a fellow officer who was also going to the academy stayed at our Sgt’s house with me because of a snow storm. He ended up trying some inappropriate things like breaking into the bathroom multiple times while I was showering. Needless to say he was fired the next day. This shaped my academy experience. I was called out of class many times to talk to detectives from a couple agencies. I was still dealing with what had happened feeling like I couldn’t protect others if I was barely able to protect myself. It took weeks during the academy for me to believe in myself and know that I was capable just like the rest of the officers in my class.

So the police academy started. There were roughly 28 of us. Only 5 females. I was in a group with I think 6 guys. The guy directly to my left was single and good looking, I guess😉

Nick wouldn’t talk to me other than about work. We didn’t start dating until after graduation. He worked at a barracks 2 hours from me. I worked 16hr shifts and when I wasn’t working I drove to see him. I absolutely loved my job. Nick tried transferring down closer to me but wasn’t able to so I started looking at other departments closer to him. I was asked to join the task force and was really starting to feel comfortable with the other officers and the community. Then I was offered a job at Burlington PD. After dating for only 4 months I got a new job and moved in with Nick🥴

Sounds crazy, right!? I was working at BPD for a couple weeks when Nick and I found out I was pregnant. We were the only ones who knew besides one SGT at my department. I had to work one last shift on the road before I went to work on the detective side/light duty. Remember I didn’t even want to have kids. I wanted to be a police officer. I wanted to do “cool shit” and fight bad guys and make a difference.

On my last shift there was an officer involved shooting. I was pregnant and driving towards gun shots. My partner at the time didn’t know I was pregnant. I was on scene and couldn’t check my phone for hours. A friend of ours who’s a trooper called Nick letting him know there was a shooting and asked if he had heard from me. Which Nick hadn’t. He called me, he texted, he called dispatch. I finally was relieved from my post and called him. I knew then that I didn’t want to scare my family, I didn’t want added stress on my pregnant body. I started detective work the next day.

One day at work I started bleeding. Not to get into to much detail, it was the beginning of a miscarriage. I took a few days off while my body ran its course. I went back to work and was suppose to go back to the road. Never wanting kids, getting pregnant and then losing the baby. I realized I wanted to be a mom. I wanted a baby and I was devastated. I had such a hard time coping, I quit my job. I knew I wanted to get pregnant again and I did not want to go through the stress of working as a police officer and having my family worry.

Nick and had been dating for about 8 months when we decided to try to get pregnant again. We found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby, Liliya, in April 2016. She was born 15 days late but totally worth the wait! She helped heal me. I felt I had a purpose. More of a purpose than being a police officer even though I absolutely loved it.

We got a lot of backlash from friends and family for getting pregnant on accident and then getting pregnant on purpose. We eventually bought a house, got married had babies. We loved, we lost, we grew and are still growing as a family. We’ve learned a lot as individuals and as a couple/family.

Here we are coming up on only 6 years of knowing each other. We built a house, have four beautiful babies and two pups. I’d like to say I wouldn’t change a thing but I wish Weston was with us, with lily cooper and Wyatt. But if not for Weston we would not have cooper and Wyatt. It’s a blessing in disguise. I know there’s a bigger reason and maybe someday I’ll figure it out but for now, Weston gave us our precious boys. I will forever be grateful for that.

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