Birthday Month

I’m sharing this now because I want Weston’s birthday to be a happy day. A day we get to celebrate his life no matter how short that was.

I will share this every year because no matter how many go by, it doesn’t get easier. I wonder what you’d look like now. Who you’d be today. What kind of shenanigans you and your sister would get into. Would you still have red hair or would it turn brown. Would you be getting excited to start sports. Everyday I’m thankful for Cooper and Wyatt but struggle knowing we have them only because we can’t have you. It’s a blessing and a curse.

We spent 28 long days in the NICU wondering what would happen and if you’d be coming home. Scared to hold you because of your seizures. 28 short days in the NICU struggling to find a balance between being with you as much as I could and trying to keep things normal for Lily. There weren’t enough hours in the day. I regret not sleeping with you in the NICU every night, not spending more time during the day with you, being too scared to hold you or kiss you or change your diaper. I regret so many things from the short amount of time you were here. One thing that’s for certain though, I could not have possibly loved you anymore or prayed harder for you to get better.

Multiple specialists, multiple tests, multiple medicines. Zero answers. The sounds of machines going off, yours and other baby’s. The sounds of you gasping. Constantly watching to see if you were still breathing. Knowing you would stop during your seizures and holding my own breath until you started breathing again.

Nurses that loved you like you were their own. Who still reach out and tell me how much you meant to them. And nurses that treated me as if I didn’t spend enough time with you. The mom guilt I had then and now. The regrets of wishing I did things different, wishing I held you more and was stronger for you.

Annoyed when family thought it was cute you were smiling when really you were seizing. Family touching you in multiple spots at once and it was over stimulating causing you to seize. I didn’t want anyone there at all. I didn’t want to share a single second.

Decisions I never thought I’d have to make. Being the most selfless I could be, wanting only what was best for you. Questioning if we made the right decision. Wondering if we were going to be judged. Did we do enough? Enough testing? Enough research? Should we have gone to another hospital? Would any of it make a difference?

Pumping even though you were barely eating. Pumping for months after you died so I could donate it. Giving your brothers baths in the milk I pumped for you. Knowing they have no idea how much it meant to me.

Deciding what to do with your sweet little body. What to do with your nursery and all your belongings. Deciding to move so I wouldn’t have to go in your room and be reminded you never even slept in it. Using your nursery decorations for the boys room and now wanting to change it because it’s hard to go in without thinking about your nursery.

Part of me wishing we had buried you so I had a special place to visit and be with you. But happy that you’re always here with us now.

Going back to work and life in general needing to act “normal”. Having people ask how the baby is and not knowing what to say. Having people ask now how many kids I have and what their ages are. Almost 5, would be 3 this month, and twin 1.5yo boys.

My heart sinks anytime Lily coughs or slightly chokes on something. To this day when she coughs she looks at me and says she’s okay because she knows I’m going to ask her. Our friends knowing exactly why I ask her or why she immediately tells me she’s fine. Friends not making it a big deal even if they are secretly judging me.

IVF to make sure a baby and our family didn’t have to go through this again. Scared the entire pregnancy that something would still be wrong. Worried about having a preterm birth and what another NICU stay would do to me. As it was, I struggled just walking by that door heading to labor and deliver.

Traumatized when someone else shares they have Polyhydramnios. Immediately reminding me of what we went through, not having answers why I had so much fluid. Doctors telling me you were healthy, you passed every ultrasound test and non stress test.

Traumatized at the thought of breastfeeding the twins because that’s when you stopped breathing and were taken to the NICU “for monitoring”. Not being able to breastfeed the boys because of their allergy but then wishing every second I could have because I wasn’t able to with you.

Explaining to Lily where you are and why you didn’t come home. Having to explain once Cooper and Wyatt came home that they were staying even though I don’t think she believed me because you didn’t come home.

Explaining to Lily’s pre school teacher about you and what happened so if Lily mentioned you she would understand. Making sure I added pictures of you to her snack mat but not having enough pictures to choose from.

Deciding to try for another baby after the boys and going through the IVF transfer again. Lily being so excited about the positive test, ecstatic she would have a baby sister. Happy our family was growing even though we missed our boy.
Having a miscarriage in June. Deciding to try again in July. Got pregnant with a little boy and having another miscarriage. Explaining to Lily you have two more siblings to play with in heaven.

Continuously watching the boys to see if they’re breathing. Worried about every noise. Calling the pediatrician constantly even for a runny nose because I’m paranoid.

Watching the joy on Lily’s face every time she sees the moon and talks to you because she knows you’re up there. She talks to you no matter who’s around and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. I pray daily that she always looks to you in good times and bad without fear of judgement.

Not wanting to take family photos because you can’t be in them. Struggling to pick out pictures to hang in the house because we don’t have too many of you. Finally deciding to take family pictures, having the sweetest photographer not make it uncomfortable or weird and although untraditional and not the way we wanted we finally have all of our children in one picture and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Heartbroken the boys will never meet you. Worried they won’t understand when we talk about you. What will they think when mom randomly starts crying which is almost a daily thing. Thinking I’m getting stronger and then quickly knocked back down any given moment. The littlest things are triggers but you never stopped fighting so neither will I.

Your birthday is only a couple weeks away. I have it planned. Lily will stay home from school. We will bake something yummy. Sing you happy birthday and let the kids blow our your candle. We’ll go on a hike in the mountains so we can be closer to you. We’ll spend the entire day together as a family, wishing you were there.

Until we meet again my sweet Weston. Xoxo

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